Hi Vanessa:
I know exactly how you feel. I swear I felt like a babysitter of my daughter for the first two months. Especially since our birthmother and birthfather got back together right after the birth. It took a while to settle down and believe that the placement was real. So I know what you are going through. My only advice is to just take deep breaths and be sure to get some distraction time for yourself. There's really no way you can turn off the questions from the situation. You are too much of a loving mother and need to protect yourself at the same time as mothering Lily.
I bonded two months later with Kailynn and I've never felt so much better in my life. It was okay that I gave myself permission to hold back emotionally at first. It's a natural defense mechanism. I'm praying for you here.
As far as your milk goes, I'm noticing the same thing. I went through this stress of our surrogate leaving the state and having strong contractions. Thankfully they stopped and the military made her come back home. So now I'm trying to relax, Lenore's orders, so my drops can increase. I feel like it will happen so there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep persisting, my dear. We are right here with you and care very much for a beautiful outcome for you.
Love,